New Year's Eve With My Mom

For the last several months, my mom has become more and more weak. As I sit by my mom's bed this New Year’s Eve, unlike everyone else, I was not looking forward to the new year. Instead, I was remembering the past with my mom. When my mom fell asleep I wrote the following.


Mom, I Love You

If I can have back all those years,
More often would I tell you, "I love you."
Erase your heartaches and dry your tears,
Find more joy in the days we knew.

If I can have back all those years,
I'd not squander the love you gave
Thirst for your wisdom with my ears
Find sweet the moments that you saved.

If I can have back all those years,
I'd thank you for each sacrifice made
For your faith when our fortune veers
For when I wouldn't believe and you prayed.

If I can have back all those years,
More often would I tell you, "I love you."

Back Alley Stray

She's a back alley stray

Kicked too many times.

She was fed every day

Broken promises and rhymes.

She no longer trusts that love would stay.

When I reach out to her

She instinctively flinches.

Afraid of what will reoccur,

Her right fist clinches.

She's not comforted by anything I say.

Spinning Time

Spinning plates on their poles

Line the hours of my day.

My balancing acts take their tolls

My sanity slowly slips away.

Racing from one wobble to another

My life slowly disappears.

More frequently I wonder, "Why bother?"

Quickly, my days turn into years.

Flying With Susan

Nineteen years ago today, Susan's Learjet crashed.

Since our first electrical circuits class together, Susan and I had been lab and project partners throughout our years in engineering school at the University of South Carolina.

I convinced her to take the ROTC flight class with me for our senior elective and Susan fell in love with flying. She went on to get certified to fly multiengine aircrafts and qualified to fly Learjets.

Shortly after she applied to be a NASA astronaut-candidate, her plane went down.

My phone conversation with her mom, after her crash, was the toughest conversation I have ever had in my entire life. I didn't think I had that much tears. Between her mom and me, we could have flooded the entire state of Texas during that call.

But that phone call was nothing compared to evening that I received the package of Susan's things from her mom. That night, it finally sunk in. I would never see Susan again.

For a whole year, I cried every night. Then, my heart went numb and stayed numb for a very long time. Even today, there's a piece of my heart that, I don't think, I will ever get back.

I googled Susan again, today. The story of her crash is still lingering in cyberspace:

The 1988 Mexico Learjet 24 crash A Lear 24B, N234CM, departed Memphis International Airport on December 16, 1988, heading for Addison, Texas with two crew aboard, including NASA astronaut-candidate Susan Reynolds. After it flew past its destination, the aircraft was intercepted by an Air Force T-38 Talon from the 560th Flying Training Squadron at Randolph AFB, but the pilot was unable to contact the crew. He reported that the cockpit windows appeared to have frost on the inside. The Lear entered Mexican airspace. After exhausting its fuel supply, it entered a spin and crashed near Cuatro Ciénegas in the northern state of Coahuila. The two pilots were killed.

To the news reporters, Susan was a Summa Cum Laude student, an engineer, a pilot, an astronaut candidate. But to me, Susan was the girl that changed my life and taught me to dream BIG. 

Although I had convinced her to take the flight class with me, Susan had been taking me flying long before that.

She flashes you a wicked smile,

Dares you to catch her if you can,

And lets out an infectious laugh

As she spreads out her full wing span.

With a dash and a leap, she soars

Beyond the stratosphere

Next thing you know, she's taking you

To where miracles appear.

Her wings will never be clipped

Her spirit will forever fly.

Whenever you're stuck here on the ground

You'd look for her in the sky.

How did I grow too old to dance in the rain?

This afternoon, heaven suddenly opened up and poured down rain, sending pedestrians scrambling for cover.

I slipped into a nearby coffee shop and found a table by the window. As I slowly took each sip, I stared out, waiting for the rain to stop.

Outside, among the rushing crowd, a little girl, with her eyes closed, face lifted skyward, and arms extended, swirled around and around taking in the sensation of the falling water drops upon her face. When she stopped spinning, she started to hop from puddle to puddle, laughing and giggling as frustrated shoppers rushed pass her.

Suddenly, her mother, with tote bags on her arm, ran up, grabbed the little girl by her hand, and took her away, scolding the little girl as they hurried pass the coffee shop window.

How did I grow too old

To dance in the rain?

When did life rob me

Of that pleasure?

Why did music stop

Running through my vein?

When did I stop hearing

Every measure?

How did I become blind

To life's simple joys?

When did thunderclouds

Stop smiles from shining?

Why am I too refined

To run like little boys?

When did I aged so

From my own whining?

The Mystery of Bella's Blue

Why wouldn't Bella reveal

The mystery of her blue

Even as you wait

While sitting beside her?

Did she hide in her poems

Something to give us a clue?

Words or syllables

That we can decipher.

A Poem for Little Ball Blue

Colleen posted a sketch of a ball with a sad face and shaded blue. With it, she wrote a poem entitled "Ball Blue".

I replied with the following poem.

My heart is sad
When you are sad.

I wish that I can shield from you
All things bad

And chase, from the skies, the stormy clouds
That made blue the little ball on your sketch pad.

What can I do,
Little ball blue?

I'm here and you are there;
My options are few.

So I knelt and prayed that He pours out
The abundance of His awesome love on you.